


Useless

by mean_whale



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Character Death, M/M, POV First Person, Sad Ending, Sexual Content, Shooting Guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-31
Updated: 2010-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27030544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Touta reflects upon his relationship with Light.Prompt: something to commemorate the Fall of Kira (1.28.)
Relationships: Matsuda Touta/Yagami Light
Kudos: 8





	Useless

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic for the Death Note anonymous kink meme way back when. Very minor edits, I just fixed the most obvious typos.
> 
> [Original post](https://dn-kink.livejournal.com/634.html?thread=1435770#t1435770)

As I pointed the gun at Light, I could not see the person he was right now, but the person he used to be. The hands that used to move in delicate patterns were now feverishly writing down a name. I had watched all my nightmares waking up and surrounding me. Their dark mist had now gathered around Light, Kira.

I closed my eyes the second I had pulled the trigger. I heard him scream. As I opened my eyes a moment later, there was blood running down his wrist. The bullet had ruined the beautiful shape of his hand. He collapsed and for a moment I feared he was dead.

No one dies of a bullet in their hand. As a police officer I should know. But all I could think about was his grace scattering on the floor. His beautiful face was twisted with anger as he called my name.

That bastard. He promised.

As he shouted to me, forgotten little moments kept repeating themselves in my eyes. Light bent down to see a paper I was showing him. His fingers traced my shoulder as he left. The embarrassment the moment he caught me weeping in the toilet was less overwhelming than the astonishment as he embraced me and told me to calm down.

I still felt his hands wandering around my body, finding their way under my clothes and touching me in places where I thought no man would ever touch. Instead of feeling disgusted, I melted into those hands and let moans escape my throat as my legs gave up and he supported me.

“I promise you I’m not evil,” he said.

You promised.

Even though my whole body was shaking, and tears were running down my cheeks in rivers, I had to think carefully what to say. The moments, when Light’s face turned to face the ceiling and his gorgeous voice swirled in my ears as my mouth had enclosed his throbbing member, were a secret between the two of us.

“With you, Matsuda, I will change this world for better,” he said.

I should have realized.

I wasn’t sure whether I was angrier to him or to myself. How many times had he sworn his innocence to me? As I watched the collapse of the scenery in which I had lived, all I could think about was Light’s face when he looked at me as he pushed inside me. And we clung to each other as if we couldn’t live apart. The whispers of his touch still lingered on my skin and I heard the wind of his breath as he had told me to be brave before we had left.

The next time I pulled the trigger I could keep my eyes open. Light squirmed in pain. He had destroyed the happiness I had finally been able to achieve. With him I had felt I had a right to live. The sound from the gun pierced through my body. My tears fell heavy on his chest.

I didn’t know what I was doing. As I was pulled away by the others all I could do was to apologize to Light. How could I even try to destroy the man who had made me feel this way? I had finally lost all the strength I had left and sunk on my knees.

Light’s friendly eyes fell upon me. Every day. He was close to me every day. We talked about the future, with just the two of us, in a better world than the one we were currently living in. Light would kiss all my pain away. His hands would keep me together when I was about to scatter. He always smiled at me when I said something. Light was the only reason why I wanted to go on.

I listened to his voice echo from the walls of the warehouse. God, let this be a dream.

The warm words he always had for me. Had they been merely a disguise? The moment Light had told me to shoot the others, I realized how he had been just training me to this. I was a weapon for him. Useless now. Useless now.

“I don’t want to die,” Light said.

I didn’t want him to die. I wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him it would all be fine. In a way we could fix this together. I wanted to help him the way he had helped me. Because this could be my turn to be the stronger one.

When Light stopped breathing, I thought about how I never had the courage to tell him I loved him too.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I've actually written a fic in first person pov.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [my writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html)


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